No Turn On Red

I thought this was funny.

Last night, I went out to my driveway to pick up the new copy of the free local weekly paper. When picking it up, I noticed it seemed a bit heavier than normal. Much heavier, in fact.

Did they add a new section? Nope. Just fifty advertisements for the new Verizon Fios service!

Guess they really want me to sign up? Or maybe they want me to give them out?

(Or maybe a machine messed up at the printing plant and stuff them all in there, mistakenly? I guess that’s it.)

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In case you didn’t get the BTS memo, the trends for this season are as follows:

You may finish shopping now.

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Welcome to my life, I’m the bad guy again.

Half past eleven in the morning and I’m walking out of the store office onto the sales floor. In front of the door is the hallway to the bathrooms with the water fountains. As soon as I open the doors, I spy a young girl, around five, and a woman I assume to be her grandmother. Before I can take two steps from the door and before I can even tell what the young girl is doing, the grandmother says my biggest pet peeve of all time:

SEE I TOLD YOU THAT THE MAN WAS GOING TO COME OUT TO YELL AT YOU IF YOU DON’T STOP PLAYING WITH THE WATER FOUNTAIN.

What, now?

I hear a variation of this statement at least once a week.

YOU’RE GOING TO GET WATER ALL OVER THE FLOOR IF YOU DON’T KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF AND THAT MAN IS GOING TO YELL AT YOU AND YOU ARE GOING TO GET US KICKED OUT OF THE STORE.

By now I’m used to being the bad guy. I have apparently come out to yell at the kid running through the misses department, I’ve come out to yell at the kid climbing on the bed, I’ve come out to yell at the kid sitting patiently but singing too loudly, and I’ve been told that I’ve come out to ask the mother and her son to leave the store because he’s not getting the hot wheels truck he keeps begging for.

Truth is, I’m just walking through the store, oblivious to what is going on and trying to do my job. As soon as some parent or grandparent sees me, they use me as the scapegoat to reprimand their child.

I walk by a mom lecturing her son on why he’s not getting a toy he wants when she sees me, the store worker, and proceeds to tell him, “That man is the manager (I’m not) just told me (I’ve never talked to you before) that he’s going to take that toy back (I’m not) and not sell it to you if you don’t behave.”

Believe me, kid, I’m just an innocent bystander. I’m not going to cut into our income and not sell you a toy just because you’re misbehaving. I don’t care about you that much.

Maybe this is because I’m not a parent, but why do some parents feel the need to lie at their kid and make me the bad guy? Can’t they just ask/tell the kid to stop doing whatever it is that they’re doing wrong without lying and telling them that I’m coming to yell at them when I’m doing nothing of the sort? I just don’t want to be the bad guy, wrapped up in these lies and deceit. I want the kids to like me and enjoy shopping at the store as much as their parents do. I’m not out to get anyone!

Again, I’m not a parent. I’m not even really criticizing the parenting skills of others. I just don’t want to be personally involved in the lies you tell your kid.

I’m not a monster, I’m just a retail worker.

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I think one of the greatest, yet creepiest, commercials of recent memory all involve Burger King’s “King”. Especially the new one where the King wakes up in his bed, rubs his eyes and looks at the crowd in his bedroom. Because of my fondness for the King (and the fact that I am still mad that I didn’t buy a King mask for Halloween), I find this video especially funny. The King flipping off all of the BK competitors to the tune of the Safety Dance? Hilarious.

Link via Church of the Customer.

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How can we trust WNBC and their weather forecasts if they can’t even get all of the clocks set correctly?

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